Front Page > Articles > How not to flirt
Flirting is one thing. Coming on to someone is another. Overt
comments regarding a woman's body parts are always inappropriate. Toya
Dixon, a former aerobics instructor, agrees. "Intrusive or aggressive
messages make me uncomfortable," she says. "You cannot validate a man
who approaches you in that manner. Otherwise, he will think it's okay.
"If you're looking for a man, you've got to be a lady," she adds. "If you're too direct with a man, it changes the game. You've got to let a man know that you're interested, but you can't assume his role. You've got to let the man be the man," she says. "Men often say that they like a woman who is direct, but they don't normally make that type of woman their woman."
But some women uphold their right to take charge and say that men actually prefer the direct approach. "If you see something you like, there's nothing wrong with letting the Brother know where you stand," says Tavia Marshall, a twentysomething single teacher in Seattle. "Sometimes men need a little push to get the ball rolling. I think it makes you more of a woman if you know what you want and aren't afraid to go after it."
Diane Rollerson, a flight attendant from San Diego, enjoys a man with a mature flirting style and says that she hates loud and aggressive overtures. "I was walking down the street and a guy hollered from his car, 'Baby, you can take me home, and I'll do whatever you want me to do.' Then he smiled as though I was supposed to be flattered!" She was not.
The best flirting is subtle. "I was transferring to a new job and a guy I'd worked with sent an e-mail saying how great it was to work with me," says Hayley Johnson, a 31-year-old accountant from the Midwest. "It was subtle, but he let me know that he was flirting and that he was interested."
Another Sister says the best flirting she's experienced happened at a grocery store when a gentleman smiled and said, "Would you like to go ahead of me?" That single question sparked a conversation where they learned a lot about each other and eventually went out together."
Generally, the best flirtatious lines are those that are universal and can be equally effective for both men and women: "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "Did you go to State University ... you look so familiar?" "What field are you in?" or "Do you work around here?"
By contrast, the worst lines are those that have been said 1,000 times and are more insulting than complimentary: "How did you fit all that into those jeans?" "Do fries come with that shake?Men and women have different approaches to flirting. Women, in general, are more mature in the way they flirt and are more determined. Men, by contrast, are likely to be more impulsive, less thoughtful about the after-effects and more concerned with the fear of a woman's rejection.
Written by Mary Nicole Hicks
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